Lisa was born February 24, 1980; she was our third child. The family was very excited, obviously, with two older boys ages 10 and 7. When summer came, we went to a theme park in New Hampshire called Santa’s Village, which included a photo with Santa. 

When Labor Day weekend came around, it was the end of the lake activities. Lisa was beginning to communicate with deliberate sounds that worked with family. She had a little walker she sat in with four wheels that allowed her to travel around the house. After Labor Day, we started thinking about the next two holidays being Thanksgiving and Christmas. It was early but Christmas cards were always in need of planning and it got on the agenda, but just a week after Labor Day on September 11, 1980, Lisa died of sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS).

Our young family was trying to cope with such devastation while still caring for our beautiful, healthy boys. In the previous two years, our family had organized an open house for family and friends, and it required planning. First, we had to decide if we should continue the tradition. The four of us decided we should because we wanted to give this gathering we called a gift to our guests. It was planned for early December so as not to interfere with other Christmas activities.

The opportunity to share those special moments with good friends and family gave us some focus beyond our grief. The guest list included people who were identified by the four of us as important and were included. In planning the open house, we decided to use the family Christmas card as the invitation, ironically the photo of Lisa with Santa was located. We designed the card with Lisa with Santa in the center of the card with her brothers on either side. Lisa was a part of our celebration. More than 60 special friends joined in the celebration, the birth of Christ, and the sharing of memories of Lisa’s short but incredible life. It was just so very special, and that tradition went on for more than 30 years. 

That first year Lisa was in our Christmas Card, but the second year our Christmas cards featured our living room fireplace with a picture of the two boys sitting on the hearth. When the pictures were developed, we didn’t realize that Lisa‘s picture taken on Labor Day weekend of 1980 was in a frame on the mantle. The Labor Day photo was so special, her sitting on my shoulders with the wind blowing her hair straight up and a smile that lives on forever. We had the photo attached to her tombstone encased in a beautiful, fully-protected photo that has stood the test of time for more than forty years, and is just as crisp as the day it was taken. That picture was featured in every Christmas card picture for the next 10 to 15 years, depending on when we could convince the older children to sit still and pose for pictures. Her picture in our annual Christmas cards was a tradition for us to celebrate the memories of the gift that she had given us. It was significant and a time that we knew we dedicated to her memory and felt like she was not left out.

There were other things we did that really helped; one of those was in February, less than a year after her death. We decided we would celebrate her birthday with cake and singing happy birthday. We did that for years as the other children were growing. Our children’s willingness to participate in these traditions simply because of their love for their special sister made life that bit easier. 

As our family grew, a fourth child joined our family. We were a family with three living children who experienced everyday life, but with one important difference. As parents, we could never forget how precious and so fragile life could be.

Within the first year after Lisa’s death, I received a call from a group I had worked with in the past at the hospital, asking if I would be interested in attending a support group. That support group turned into a volunteer opportunity we were grateful for.   

After those first few meetings with the support group, my wife and I found the experience incredibly valuable, challenging, and difficult. We found comfort in being among families who experienced the same kind of loss. As the meetings continued, we became more comfortable sharing some of the personal and intimate issues we were experiencing at the time. As a result, over 10-year period we became involved with four different support groups in different locations around the state of Florida. 

This work with grief support groups became a major part of our life, and certainly helped me learn more about how I was coping, as well as what I could do to keep Lisa actively in my mind. We dealt with the emotions of her loss, but also saw her in different situations in life because of how much we shared with others. It was just a very positive experience. 

We actually developed some traditions within that group: for example, we had an end-of-the-year celebration. It was related to Christmas, although it was not particularly religious. The first year we took a branch of a maple tree with no leaves or green on it, and simply decorated it with some lights. We called that branch the “Tree of Hope”, which is a symbol of sudden infant death syndrome. A very good friend helped us by making simple ornaments or memorabilia for the group. Each ornament would have an angel with the baby’s name on it, and the group would recite the “We Remember” poem. 

Lisa has had a positive impact on our family and our lives. We have been able to enjoy life experiences with less guilt because of the memories of those many traditions. It made it easier to reflect on the memories because that is all we had. Those traditions allowed us to focus on her as a part of our family and all the good she brought with her. 

It is clear that after more than 40 years, the loss is still very emotional and painful, but the story is more important than ever to share. I believe we were blessed to have Lisa in our lives. Those 202 days changed our lives, enriched our family, and blessed us with each and every day.

We experienced a tragedy beyond understanding, but we survived. Lisa’s life gave us hope and experiences that enriched our lives with her memories and our next traditions.